It’s tearing me apart—and I know I’m not alone.
 |
| Photo: elenaleonova, Getty Images. |
By Jill Gutowitz, NYLON
I can prepare for nighttime anxiety. I have all day to ready
myself, anticipating that familiar feeling creeping in on me as the sky
darkens. I can mold my plans around it. The same cannot be said for
morning anxiety—there is something so shocking, so cruel, and so unfair
about waking up to that feeling, about going from a dream state to a
nightmare in the literal blink of an eye.
Anxiety comes in swings; it transmutes, taking on new shapes
when it's run its course in a previous form. Recently, my anxiety did
just that, and swung from night shivers to morning sweats. Morning
anxiety has breathed new life—very, very bad life—into the meaning of
the phrase "I woke up like this." It's completely overhauled my mental
health, and finding a solution has been painstaking. At times, it's felt
insurmountable, because when anxiety is the very first thing I feel in
the morning, it's hard to find the motivation to get up at all.
Most mornings, at almost exactly 5 a.m., I wake up gasping for
air. I have no hope of going back to sleep for at least a few hours—it's
as if my internal body clock springs into frenetic action at the same
time each day, but not in a productive way. My eyes split open, and
before the orange sun cracks through my blinds, before I even come into
my physical body—as in, before I start sweating or shivering or having
physical reactions—my brain starts vibrating.
I haven't even picked the crust from the corners of my eyes
(shut up, you do it too) when I start running through the mammoth,
overarching issues in my life: What if I don't make enough money
this month to afford rent? Should I drop my health care so I can
guarantee that I make rent? Should I move into a studio and live alone
because of my mental health issues? How will I ever make enough money to
afford that? Will my mental health continue to decline because I can't
get a hold on my finances and my home? Will I be alone forever? You know, fun, normal stuff.
And once I've exhausted my existential checklist—like, I'm
flailing, I'm profoundly alone, I'm nobody—then I move on to today's
to-do list. By that point, it feels impossible to get out of bed and do
something as insignificant as laundry when I'm already thinking
something like, Are we all just sacks of blood whirring past each other with no real direction or purpose?
Why should I shower when I'm mid-existential crisis, bound by a dread
and loneliness and feeling like an utter failure? (Wow, I'm just
realizing how mean I am to myself—something to work on in the future.)
Basically, by the time 6 a.m. strikes, I'm shaking, staving off
tears, and have been stewing for an hour about my mortal coil. And when
that happens, even attempting to make a dent in what I have to do each
day feels unconquerable. So, I talked to a mental health expert on how
to force myself up, even if that means barrel-rolling on to the floor in
my comforter.
Andrea Glik,
a somatic therapist, told me that morning anxiety is actually a common
experience. "The morning, for a lot of people, symbolizes the start to
the long list of things they have to do that they keep in their head, or
the start of cognition after sleep," she said. "Also, as many people
know, anxiety can follow you into sleep through bad and/or anxiety
dreams."
Glik also explained that anxiety swings are different for
everyone, and depend on our nervous systems' cycles. "The nervous system
is a network that runs throughout the body that tells us how to act and
feel based on the information our body is interpreting," she said. "If
someone is in a hyper-aroused place in the morning or most of the
time—anxious, stressed, irritable, angry, think the top of a
rollercoaster—then the morning is the start to their daily release of
cortisol and other stress hormones. The body is awake, and follows its
pattern of sending cortisol throughout the body. The body is
interpreting being awake as a stressor." This confirms the hypothesis
I've never wanted to actually prove true: being awake is my biggest
trigger. Kidding (barely).
So, are there solutions? Kind of. Like everything with anxiety,
it's a learning curve. Training myself to allay anxiety takes
dedication, persistence, and strength of mind. "All of this happens
because our bodies have learned lessons about the world and what we need
to survive," Glik told me. "Your body may be stuck in a response or
hyper- or hypo-aroused place, and that's totally normal, and your body
is just trying to keep you safe and do its job… If you are feeling
hyper-aroused and/or anxious, think about what your body needs to come
down the coaster."
For me, the only solution—or, I won't call it a solution,
because that feels like a permanent and resolved destination, when
actually it's more about seeking moments of peace—is morning walks or
jogs. Exercise and fresh air. Something that gets me outside, moving,
and breathing. There's a short hiking trail near my apartment. The first
half, I trudge uphill, and the second half, I walk or jog downhill. And
when I make it to the peak, I usually sit on a bench, drink some water,
and—excuse how cheesy this is—literally try and appreciate nature. The
combination of adrenaline, endorphins, and the physical presence of the
greens and blues and wood-chips crunching under my feet—the leafy
smells, the sounds of chirping birds and rustling branches—organically
lifts me. Nothing else that I've tried has cleared my head so
successfully and thoroughly. Glik confirmed that physical experience is a
great way to get out of your head, too.
"I find the body to be a good place to go so we don't get even
more stuck in our minds and thoughts," she said. "We want to purposely
trigger the parasympathetic nervous system, which is the part of the
nervous system that brings us back down the coaster: Breathing, movement
to release energy, eating something calming without any stimulants—aka
sugar—grounding through a visualization, or noticing the room you're in
are all techniques that communicate to the body it's time to slow down
and come down, and that we are safe, and everything is going to be
okay."
When you're lying in bed, paralyzed by your own thoughts, the
idea of any physical exertion seems unmanageable—trust me, I know,
because it took time and persistent effort to get myself out of bed and
walk that very first time. But on my worst days, when I've already
scrolled through social media for hours, cried about my loneliness and
finances and quality of life, I make a promise to myself that I will
just do ONE thing that morning to make me feel good—and to do that thing
before I do anything else. For me, that one thing is a walk and fresh
air. Ensuring that I do my one thing first takes the pressure
off that seemingly unconquerable to-do list. Because when I'm at my
worst, EVERYTHING feels like a roadblock: Putting my contacts in.
Feeding the cat and changing her water. Brushing my teeth. Washing my
face. Skin-care routine. Shower. Clothes. Make the bed. It all adds up.
"The best way is to start your day getting centered in your body
and resisting the default to give into the mind and all its racing
thoughts," Glik said. "Even if that's just with cooking breakfast or
having a cup of something hot, do it and notice what it feels like,
smells like, tastes like. That small moment of mindfulness will calm
those thoughts by bringing your attention out of your mind and inside
yourself."
I've been able to turn around my most treacherous mornings—those
mornings that are brimming with self-loathing, mornings when I wake up
choking on my own tongue—with an hour-long walk. I know that not
everyone has that luxury, as I work from home, so I can afford a walk in
the morning without being late to work. But if there are days when you
can squeeze it in—say, a day when you wake up an hour before your alarm
and know you're going to stew for the next 60 minutes instead of
sleeping—try to just do one small thing for yourself, something that'll
make you feel good.
And I promise you, that thing is not scrolling through social
media, fishing for fan edits of Rachel Weisz and Kathryn Hahn
flirting—I've tried it. That certainly brings me into my body in other
ways—just not productive ones.
See more at NYLON
