By Melissa Kravitz, Refinery29
Figure out where the comments are coming from.
According to Dr. Holub, the first thing to do is think about what's driving your friend's comments. Are they reflective of an actual body or health concern, or is your friend just making disparaging remarks out of habit?
[post_ads]"I would talk with her and help her find the support she needs, which might mean seeking out a mental health professional," Dr. Holub says. "There are so many people who do have real body image concerns, and we do not want to diminish their concerns."
After a negative comment is made, see if there's more to it than force of habit (which, of course, is also not a good thing), and if so, encourage your friend to discuss her body image with a mental health professional.
"If you notice that your friend is frequently putting herself down when it comes to her body, you should ask more questions about her relationship with her body, food, and exercise," says Heather Senior Monroe, a licensed clinician at Newport Academy. "When words create unhealthy emotions — such as shame, anger, sadness, or disgust — which then turn into unhealthy eating practices, there is cause for concern."
If you're concerned your friend may have an eating disorder, the National Eating Disorders Association is a great place to direct them for resources on how to get help. NEDA even has a 24-hour helpline if your friend needs immediate crisis assistance — all they have to do is text "NEDA" to 741741
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Don’t empathize with the comments.
"It is easy for women to say 'Ugh, I know, me too!' when they hear these types of comments," Monroe says. "The first thing you can do is refrain from putting yourself down."
Instead, use this opportunity to connect with your friend and figure out what's going through their head. Ask them if they're simply looking for reassurance, rather than expressing a real desire to lose weight. If simple reassurance is what they need, figure out another, more productive way for them to communicate that to you in the future.
Shut down the comments without anyone noticing.
Not looking to start a whole conversation about body image? Then keep things simple and just pretend you didn't notice the comment.
"You could simply ignore the comment and move forward," says Carolyn Black Becker, PhD, co-director at The Body Project. She says that this strategy has worked for a number of her students.
Of course, this may not be effective enough for every situation — it will depend on the person making the remark — but sometimes, the best way to disarm negative body talk is to not give it a forum at all. Setting this precedent can be a subtle cue to your friends that you won't participate in negative body talk.
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Tell your friend that you prefer not to talk about bodies in a negative way.
If you'd rather be more explicit, Dr. Becker says that another simple way to shut down the negativity is to tell your friend that you don't engage in fat talk. Period.
Dr. Becker recommends saying something like, "I prefer not talk about the size or shape of my body or the bodies of other people," and then you can just change the topic of conversation.
Address the comments with compassion, rather than combativeness.
If a friend makes negative comments about their body or lack of exercise in front of you, be honest about why you feel the comments are harmful — without making them feel judged.
"You can point out that you have heard them mention more than once wanting to workout and be more healthy, and ask if there is anything you can do to support them," Monroe says. "If they are legitimately concerned about their health, then it is important to be respectful and encouraging of healthy habits."
Ways to do this include inviting your friend over for a nutritious, home-cooked meal instead of dining out, planning a workout get-together, and simply being compassionate if your friend is struggling to implement a nutrition and exercise routine. NEDA also recommends complimenting a friend's personality or accomplishments as an implicit reminder that beauty is more than skin deep. If you have a specific situation you want to talk out, NEDA's online helpline allows you to chat with volunteers for recommendations on how to help a loved one struggling with body image (1-800-931-2237).
If the comments don't seem indicative of a larger problem, turn them into a teaching moment.
"If she is saying this because this is 'just what people say,' then I think it is a great time to discuss the messages we hear about our bodies, thinness, and fatness, and about how these expectations can be hard to live up to," Dr. Holub says. She recommends starting a conversation with open-ended questions, like: Isn’t it a lot of pressure to feel like we are expected to look a certain way?, Where do you think these messages about beauty come from?, and Do you think it's fair to judge others because of their appearance? If not, why do we judge ourselves?
NEDA recommends challenging the thin ideal by discouraging the idea that a particular weight will lead to greater happiness, which many of these negative body comments presuppose, and try not to take media representations of self-esteem and body image at face value. Make a habit of challenging the images you see in the media amongst your friends, rather than potentially considering them aspirational. If something is making you or your friends feel bad, think about why you feel that way and why that representation may not be in line with reality. It's also important to avoid categorizing foods as "good" or "bad."
Of course, not every social situation will be one in which you can (or want to) launch into an in-depth conversation on body image. And you may not feel well-versed enough to feel like you have anything useful to share — and that's okay. But if you're armed with the knowledge and up for it, sharing what you've learned about body negativity and opening up the conversation can be a good strategy.
[post_ads_2]
Focus on overall health and wellness.
Another strategy, according to Dr. Holub, is to refocus the conversation to emphasize health and wellness beyond appearance.
"If we focus on health, we will actually end up making healthier choices anyway and develop healthy habits that are much more sustainable," Dr. Holub says.
Encourage your friend to appreciate what their body can do, rather than how it looks. Don't allow your friend to deem food "good" or "bad," and instead focus on guilt- and shame-free nutrition talk (the principles of intuitive eating are a great place to start).
Like we said, it's all too easy to fall into the trap of demonizing certain types of foods or feeling as if bodies must always be improved. Make a conscious effort to avoid these traps, and focus on health and wellness if the subject comes up at all (since there are certainly many other interesting things to talk about).
Challenge your friends to only engage in positive body talk.
Oftentimes, fat talk happens so frequently because it's modeled for us in society, whether that's through television, movies, magazines, or our parents. It can feel comfortable and easy, even harmless. These are habits we have to actively choose to break out of, Dr. Holub says.
Once you've discussed why your friends are making these types of remarks, you can mutually agree that your future conversations will be focused on body positivity, rather than using your friendship as an open forum for negative body commentary. It might be a matter of figuring out more productive ways to express a need for reassurance, or reframing why you or your friends might desire to get stronger and healthier.
At the end of the day, making this kind of commitment will benefit everyone involved, even if it takes a while to get there
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According to Dr. Holub, the first thing to do is think about what's driving your friend's comments. Are they reflective of an actual body or health concern, or is your friend just making disparaging remarks out of habit?
[post_ads]"I would talk with her and help her find the support she needs, which might mean seeking out a mental health professional," Dr. Holub says. "There are so many people who do have real body image concerns, and we do not want to diminish their concerns."
After a negative comment is made, see if there's more to it than force of habit (which, of course, is also not a good thing), and if so, encourage your friend to discuss her body image with a mental health professional.
"If you notice that your friend is frequently putting herself down when it comes to her body, you should ask more questions about her relationship with her body, food, and exercise," says Heather Senior Monroe, a licensed clinician at Newport Academy. "When words create unhealthy emotions — such as shame, anger, sadness, or disgust — which then turn into unhealthy eating practices, there is cause for concern."
If you're concerned your friend may have an eating disorder, the National Eating Disorders Association is a great place to direct them for resources on how to get help. NEDA even has a 24-hour helpline if your friend needs immediate crisis assistance — all they have to do is text "NEDA" to 741741
[post_ads_2]
Don’t empathize with the comments.
"It is easy for women to say 'Ugh, I know, me too!' when they hear these types of comments," Monroe says. "The first thing you can do is refrain from putting yourself down."
Instead, use this opportunity to connect with your friend and figure out what's going through their head. Ask them if they're simply looking for reassurance, rather than expressing a real desire to lose weight. If simple reassurance is what they need, figure out another, more productive way for them to communicate that to you in the future.
Shut down the comments without anyone noticing.
Not looking to start a whole conversation about body image? Then keep things simple and just pretend you didn't notice the comment.
"You could simply ignore the comment and move forward," says Carolyn Black Becker, PhD, co-director at The Body Project. She says that this strategy has worked for a number of her students.
Of course, this may not be effective enough for every situation — it will depend on the person making the remark — but sometimes, the best way to disarm negative body talk is to not give it a forum at all. Setting this precedent can be a subtle cue to your friends that you won't participate in negative body talk.
[post_ads_2]
Tell your friend that you prefer not to talk about bodies in a negative way.
If you'd rather be more explicit, Dr. Becker says that another simple way to shut down the negativity is to tell your friend that you don't engage in fat talk. Period.
Dr. Becker recommends saying something like, "I prefer not talk about the size or shape of my body or the bodies of other people," and then you can just change the topic of conversation.
Address the comments with compassion, rather than combativeness.
If a friend makes negative comments about their body or lack of exercise in front of you, be honest about why you feel the comments are harmful — without making them feel judged.
"You can point out that you have heard them mention more than once wanting to workout and be more healthy, and ask if there is anything you can do to support them," Monroe says. "If they are legitimately concerned about their health, then it is important to be respectful and encouraging of healthy habits."
Ways to do this include inviting your friend over for a nutritious, home-cooked meal instead of dining out, planning a workout get-together, and simply being compassionate if your friend is struggling to implement a nutrition and exercise routine. NEDA also recommends complimenting a friend's personality or accomplishments as an implicit reminder that beauty is more than skin deep. If you have a specific situation you want to talk out, NEDA's online helpline allows you to chat with volunteers for recommendations on how to help a loved one struggling with body image (1-800-931-2237).
If the comments don't seem indicative of a larger problem, turn them into a teaching moment.
"If she is saying this because this is 'just what people say,' then I think it is a great time to discuss the messages we hear about our bodies, thinness, and fatness, and about how these expectations can be hard to live up to," Dr. Holub says. She recommends starting a conversation with open-ended questions, like: Isn’t it a lot of pressure to feel like we are expected to look a certain way?, Where do you think these messages about beauty come from?, and Do you think it's fair to judge others because of their appearance? If not, why do we judge ourselves?
NEDA recommends challenging the thin ideal by discouraging the idea that a particular weight will lead to greater happiness, which many of these negative body comments presuppose, and try not to take media representations of self-esteem and body image at face value. Make a habit of challenging the images you see in the media amongst your friends, rather than potentially considering them aspirational. If something is making you or your friends feel bad, think about why you feel that way and why that representation may not be in line with reality. It's also important to avoid categorizing foods as "good" or "bad."
Of course, not every social situation will be one in which you can (or want to) launch into an in-depth conversation on body image. And you may not feel well-versed enough to feel like you have anything useful to share — and that's okay. But if you're armed with the knowledge and up for it, sharing what you've learned about body negativity and opening up the conversation can be a good strategy.
[post_ads_2]
Focus on overall health and wellness.
Another strategy, according to Dr. Holub, is to refocus the conversation to emphasize health and wellness beyond appearance.
"If we focus on health, we will actually end up making healthier choices anyway and develop healthy habits that are much more sustainable," Dr. Holub says.
Encourage your friend to appreciate what their body can do, rather than how it looks. Don't allow your friend to deem food "good" or "bad," and instead focus on guilt- and shame-free nutrition talk (the principles of intuitive eating are a great place to start).
Like we said, it's all too easy to fall into the trap of demonizing certain types of foods or feeling as if bodies must always be improved. Make a conscious effort to avoid these traps, and focus on health and wellness if the subject comes up at all (since there are certainly many other interesting things to talk about).
Challenge your friends to only engage in positive body talk.
Oftentimes, fat talk happens so frequently because it's modeled for us in society, whether that's through television, movies, magazines, or our parents. It can feel comfortable and easy, even harmless. These are habits we have to actively choose to break out of, Dr. Holub says.
Once you've discussed why your friends are making these types of remarks, you can mutually agree that your future conversations will be focused on body positivity, rather than using your friendship as an open forum for negative body commentary. It might be a matter of figuring out more productive ways to express a need for reassurance, or reframing why you or your friends might desire to get stronger and healthier.
At the end of the day, making this kind of commitment will benefit everyone involved, even if it takes a while to get there
