I used to tell my friends I had a "dentist appointment"—now, I know I don't have to lie.
By Haley Goldberg, Self
My sophomore year of high school, I had a
lot of "appointments." I'd rotate on what I told my friends they were
for: dentist, doctor, orthodontist. Really, I was going to weekly
therapy sessions, and I was afraid to tell them the truth.
[post_ads]It
wasn't my first time in therapy. I started seeing a therapist in second
grade, when my fear of thunderstorms had me obsessively watching the
Weather Channel and the sky, afraid to go to school if there was a
single dark cloud, a 50-percent chance of rain, or, god forbid, a
tornado watch. If a thunderstorm rolled in during the school day, the
teacher would excuse me to go visit the school therapist, where I'd
anxiously sit and talk with her until the sound of rain passed. No one
in my classes knew where I went except for the teacher, and I made sure
to keep it that way.
Around fourth
grade, I started seeing a therapist on the weekends. Most sessions, I
went angrily, ashamed of myself for needing the help. I refused to open
up to the therapist at all. Middle school came, and, somehow, each year I
started caring less and less about watching the sky. I stopped seeing a
therapist regularly, and thought I'd finished my stint with mental
issues—I was fixed now.
But then, sophomore year of high school, my anxiety came back for an extended visit. I realized that fear of weather was just a small manifestation of obsessive compulsive disorder and general anxiety, and the two began to torment me each day. My mom suggested I head back to therapy. Unlike when I was younger, I didn't resist it this time. I went into the sessions and began opening up, recognizing the way I think and learning how I could fight back against irrational thoughts and fears, things that could easily suck me up into an anxious spiral. It was difficult work confronting the things that scared me and the power my mind could have over my emotions, but it needed to be done. I could tell it was helping.
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Still, I didn't want to tell
anyone. I didn't want my friends—who I'd leave on a perfectly sunny
summer day at the pool for a "dental cleaning"—to think there was
something wrong with me. At school I was happy, confident and carefree. I
didn't want people to know the truth, to look at me like I was "sick"
or not OK.
Looking back, I realize now
that's why I should have told people. To show them that, yes, someone
with a mental illness can seem totally fine on the outside, but battle
something on the inside. To show them that it's OK to get help for
mental issues—just like it's OK to go to the doctor for the flu, or the
dentist for a cavity. To show them that they're not alone if they too
struggle with their thoughts and feelings.
[post_ads]Today, I know I'm not alone. A staggering one in five adults suffer from a mental illness in the U.S. in a given year, according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness. And 18.1 percent of adults—that's 44 million people—in the U.S. suffer specifically from anxiety disorders, according to Mental Health America. But sadly, there's still a stigma
surrounding getting help for mental illnesses. Only about a third of
people suffering from depression seek help from a mental health
professional, and the MHA
explains it's because they "believe depression isn't serious, that they
can treat it themselves or that it is a personal weakness rather than a
serious medical illness."
What I've
learned from my experience: Your mental health should be treated like
your physical health—addressed with the help of a professional and
treated not as something you caused, but something you need to care for.
You wouldn't blame yourself for catching the flu. Don't blame yourself
for depression, anxiety or any mental illness. And, don't be ashamed to
seek help and speak out about it.
[post_ads]Since
high school, I've been in and out of therapy a few times. It's no
longer something I'm looking to "fix" me, but to aid me when I just
can't seem to keep my anxiety and OCD under control. I look at it like
scheduling a spinning class: It keeps me healthy. I'm now open with my
friends when I'm heading to an appointment, and I've even suggested
therapy to those I've seen struggling with their own mental health.
Sometimes, chatting over coffee with a friend isn't enough to fix what's
going on—and that's OK. I wouldn't be living the life I am today
without taking control of my mental health with the help of a
professional.
Recently, Kerry Washington opened up
about her own experience with therapy in a video where she gave advice
to her 18-year-old self. The star still sees a therapist, and I found
her words echoing what I'd want to tell that girl going to "dentist
appointments" her sophomore year of high school.
“Just
know that everybody has growing pains, and the only way out is
through,” she said. “You’re going to find therapy, and it’s going to be
amazing.”
I couldn't agree more.
If you’re struggling with anxiety or any mental illness, resources are available at the National Alliance on Mental Illness.
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