"How I learnt to live with my anxiety — and how you can, too"

After a near-fatal panic attack, Katherine Rose knew something had to change. Here, she shares her story, and how she made peace with her anxiety...

By Katherine Rose Tate, Glamour 

Last June, my anxiety nearly killed me. I was 30 metres underwater, on my 55th scuba dive, and a sudden panic attack blocked my airways and left me struggling to breathe.

[post_ads]In seconds, I went from admiring coral to waving frantically at my Croatian dive buddy, as I couldn’t remember the signal for “I can’t breathe and need to get to the surface in about three seconds." (FYI, you place your hands around your neck like you’re choking yourself. Very apt.)

It's difficult to pinpoint exactly what brought on this attack - I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember - but in that moment I remember feeling scared and alone diving with strangers. Earlier, the dive operator had dismissed my nerves with an eye-roll and a pat on the back. Yeah, that didn't help.

I didn’t die, but I did learn a lesson that would change my life. Back on the boat, with a pounding headache and salty tear-streaked cheeks, I decided to take control of my anxiety - to turn the beast into something bearable.
 

I'd got used to anxiety controlling my body and manipulating my mind - convincing me that the world is a terrifying place, forcing me to let people down, throw things at walls, ignore calls, and hide when the doorbell rings. Bite my fingernails until they bleed, or twist my hair so much that I get bald spots. Like many others who suffer from anxiety, I just deal, because that’s what everyone expects.

[post_ads]Up until that dive trip, I distracted myself from anxiety by packing my schedule with work, study, travel, fitness, friends, family, dating. If I wasn’t doing something, or planning to do something, my anxiety beast broke out of its cage. But if I just kept going at high speed, I could keep it contained. I thought that was just the way it was. No one told me to slow down, or saw it as a bad thing. “You get so much done! Your life is so full! You’re an inspiration!” they sang. It felt like I was spinning around, faster and faster, the clapping getting louder and louder, the world blurrier and blurrier. And it all came crashing down when I went diving off the coast of Croatia, and I realised I couldn't live like that anymore.

I realised I had to learn how to live with my anxiety, without it bubbling over – or killing me! So I set out to find what would reduce the boil to a simmer. Because that’s the thing about anxiety: you can’t just pop a pill and be cured. You don’t go from strung-out-overachiever to super-chill-Finding-Nemo-turtle in one step. It takes patience, perseverance, and some hard-won tricks.

     
I tried meditation and Iyengar yoga, reduced my workload, and swapped coffee for herbal teas. I quit multitasking, pinpointed my anxiety triggers (loud traffic, world news, those panic-inducing Aldi checkouts) and tried to tackle them. I practised mindfulness, cut out sugar and ate more fresh foods. It all helped, but it didn’t really get to the root of my anxiety.

To make friends with our mind, we have to understand it. So I read books, watched videos, studied Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), and spoke with experts. I saw a therapist and a life coach, started every day writing my worries in a journal, and finished each day writing down three things I was thankful for. As I peeled away the layers of my entrenched anxiety, it started to feel less scary and out of control. I learnt what triggered my worries, and what quietened my mind. I learnt to accept my anxiety as a part of me and not to fear my fears, but face them instead. And I kept these words, by Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh, emblasoned in my mind: "Every time your fear is invited up, every time you recognise it and smile at it, your fear will lose some of its strength".

I also launched Worry Warrior, to share all the anxiety-busting information and insights gathered along the way. It’s what I wish I’d had when lost in the mental health haze.

Because just as it takes a village to raise a child, I believe it takes a community to manage mental health – and challenge misunderstandings. When we open up, share our struggles, and support others who are suffering, that’s when we get a grip on our anxiety, and accept it as another important part of ourselves. That’s how we make the beast bearable.
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4 steps to facing your fears

•     Understand them Make it your mission to learn about your anxiety. Get expert help (such as CBT) to discover what makes you tick – and what triggers or tames your beast. Read self-help books, like The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself by Dr Joe Dispenza, or Meditations by stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius. They'll help you see that you're not crazy, and you'll gain some powerful, practical techniques for managing your mind.

•     Talk about them Practise sharing your struggles with people you love and trust. Teach them how to support you. I say, "I'd like to share how my anxiety affects my life, to help you understand me a bit better." Follow mental health bloggers and social media groups, and tell them your thoughts. You'll see that you're not alone.

•     Talk to them Yes, out loud! When worries arise, acknowledge your anxiety. Thank it for its concern, but tell it you’re in control and everything will be OK. This puts you in the position of power over your anxiety, and helps you be kinder to yourself, too.

•     Then turn the volume down Motivational author Louise Hay says: “The way you start your day is how you live your day. How you live your day is how you live your life.” For me, it's meditation, positive affirmations, reading an inspiring self-help book, moving my body (even just for 10 minutes), and writing my worries in a journal.

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